Professional Rapper Lyrics - Professional Rapper - Lil Dicky

"Hello, how can I help you?" 

"Hi, my name's Dave Burd. I have an appointment today. it's probably under 'Lil Dicky,' actually. I'm a... I'm a rapper, so..." 

"Ok, and who are you here to see?" 

"Uh, Snoop Dogg? Says here "Snoop D-o-g-g." 

"Oh, yeah. He's right down the hall. First door to your right. Give him a knock and he should be right with you." 

"Thanks. It's uh, this door right here, right?" 

"Mm-hmm." 

"Thank you." 

Grab a seat 

Thanks I'm Dave very nice to meet 

Dave, what it do? You can call me Dogg 

Let me just check your sheet 

No problem, sir, let me just say 

I'm a big fan of the shit that y'all make 

I can't lie, I been thinking about this all day 

All good, there's a reason that we called, Dave 

Let me start with your background 

Where you come from? 

Sure, I was undergrad down there in Richmond 

Before that 

Oh, you talking bout my hometown? 

Yeah 

I was born out of Philly grew up in a little silly old town called Cheltenham 

It was in the suburbs, upper-middle wealth around 

So real shit you ain't never had to struggle for much 

I wouldn't say it like that, we just had a different kind of trap 

Elaborate 

Well I ain't never had a tool, but I had to be the man at school 

Like I was doing shit I had to do so when I finished undergrad, I'm cool and I can get whatever job I wanted 

But the job you wanted wasn't all that bumping 

Yeah, and I saw it quick all the flaws that be coming when you grow up like that 

Know you been racing them rats, you ain't been making them raps 

Boo hoo what a hardship 

How you paid to get the rap shit started? 

Man, my Bar Mitzvah money 

But don't diss me buddy, I wasn't one of them younguns up on the block who had nothing to lose 

I must've wanted this a lot, I had something to choose 

Look at that, I can say there's something to prove up in your ass 

Yeah, I guess 

That's enough of the past, what makes you want to do rap? 

Oh my god, it's the best 

Bitches let me draw up on their breasts 

Literally I can reinvent myself 

I got a forum to project myself 

It's never boring, every morning I wake up and try to best myself 

I never got to be suppressed or stealthy to express myself 

It's kinda healthy 

Cool, now let me put you through a couple hypotheticals 

Sure 

In a club and a couple niggas threaten you 

Uh, I wouldn't do shit 

And I don't even get what that got to do with this? 

Shut the fuck up, rap's like life 

If you wanna do this, then you won't get far acting like a little bitch 

Nah, that's my niche! 

Don't get offended by this, but that's the market y'all missed 

That's the target I'll hit 

And that's the heart of my pitch 

I wanna do this whole thing different 

What the fuck you mean you wanna do the whole thing different? 

Uh, you know, I-I think, like, you know 

Traditionally people have been doing the job the same kind of way for a long time 

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But traditionally speaking, this shit works, right? 

Nah, like, I get that, but I-I just think that, you know 

You don't know if it could be working even better 

And I think you should look at me as an opportunity to find that out 

I don't mean any disrespect by that 

I'm just saying I have a different background 

Like a different perspective way of looking at things than your typical applicant 

So what are your biggest strengths? 

Well my flow is crazy, I can switch that amazing 

For example, I can be like ain't nobody fucking with Lil Dicky 

When he get up on that shit and spit it sick and ridiculous 

Ripping this shit like it's never been did and the rhythm is never predictable 

Cause I can switch it, deliver this shit to whatever cadence you bitches prefer 

Alright, alright, I get it 

Top of that, lyrically I'm pretty damn clever (Go) 

Got a long bottom bitch, called a hoe Neville (Whoa) 

And I blow it from the jump, Derrick Rose knee (Oh) 

You can say I'm pretty smart how I know better 

And y'all been winning like Pistorius it's no feat 

Bro, I can go on and on 

I'm taking over any man like father-in-laws 

OK enough of the punchline, that ain't showing me you different from the other guys 

Well I don't know if they can run it like that 

But ain't nobody else doing funny type rap 

What's that? 

Well I can tell a story about my morning 

Watching Boy meets World and jerking off to Topanga Lawrence 

Like the 14 year old Topanga 

Oh this shit like a joke to you? 

I don't get it 

Nah it ain't like that I just happen to be a nutty abundantly funny type of individual 

Like as a guy 

So when i get up on the mic I ain't finna just lie 

Real recognize real, right? 

Yeah, I guess 

So what you trying to do? 

Five years from now, tell me bout the due 

Well, I don't care about t he money 

Like, it's the respect that I'm wanting 

Honestly, I just want to be one of the greats 

Where they gotta bring your boy up every debate 

I don't wanna leave the game the same 

In a nutshell, what's your legacy? 

Well, I wanna be the dude that came in and made the stand up rap 

With the random rap and the man like that for the people that was anti-rap 

Yeah the fans of rap started recognizing anti-rap is ironically one of the real brands of rap left 

That shit sound pretty damn complex 

I guess, I wanna be the best 

I just wanna do it my way 

And turn the whole game sideways 

And show people you ain't gotta be resigned to the highway 

You can make a path while these motherfuckers drive straight 

I ain't mad at that 

Well thanks, man, that's my plan of my attack 

Just let me in and I'mma rap the plaques 

And I ain't about to win them back to back 

I'm bout to win them like it's back to back to back to back to back 

Til I stop rapping 

You ain't even sold a damn album yet 

True 

That's a lot of talk from a wily vet 

Let alone a young rook nigga 

You misread me 

Nah this ain't a book nigga 

Well that's one of my flaws, I'm too competitive dawg 

No, you just fucking repetitive dawg 

I get it, you trying to be better than all 

But you ain't shit until cheddars involved 

I get that I gotta prove myself 

No shit you ain't done shit 

But think about that though 

Only doing this a couple of years 

One tape and I'm like this? 

This shit is aight for your first shit 

But you don't know if it's your worst shit 

You don't think finding out would be worth it? 

It might be, it might not 

But I'mma put your ass to work, kid 

Wait, like, like I have the job? Like really? 

Well one more thing, let me see if you could put a together 

What would you do for the for this song? 

You want me to make a up right now? 

Do I look like the type of nigga that like repeating himself? 

Photos 

Alright, uh, okay 

Man do the hook! 

I'm bout to be professional 

Homie, I'm professional 

Uh, maybe like a low voice type thing? 

Nigga, that shit is garbage man 

Well, you know, I feel like there might have been some upside to it 

But I'm not good at thinking of things on the spot like that 

Don't y'all normally like outsource for that kind of thing sometimes? 

Sometimes, but you know, that was some next level Dogg shit right there 

Yeah, you know, I'm just way better when I get to think things through 

Have my like that dual screen action that type of thing 

Whatever man, you trying to smoke a blunt? 

Right now? 

Yeah 

Sure 

Dope. Juanita, bring some weed in here, please. Thank you 

(You got it, Snoop. I'll be right there.) 

Thanks, Juanita. Super nice woman 

Nigga, why does everything you say sound so soft? 

Uh, I really don't wanna be spoken to like that, so... 

Whatever. Thanks 

(Hey, I got y'all y'all weed.) 

Damn, that's some great looking weed. It's just so early 

(Can I get you guys anything else while I'm here? Coffee? Tea? Head? Bottled water?) 

D-Did you just say head? 

(Yeah. You ain't never got no head before?) 

I mean... Just feels like... A lot, right now 

(Ok.) 

But what kind of tea do you guys have? 

(We got mint, raspberry, earl grey, english breakfast...) 

Actually, I'll take head 

(I knew your little dirty ass wanted some head.)