Asshole Lyrics - No Cure For Cancer - Dennis Leary

Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream 

About me, about you, the way our American hearts beat 

Down in the bottom of our chests, about the special feeling 

We get in the cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles 

Maybe in the sub-cockle area, maybe in the liver 

Maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the colon, we don't know 

I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job 

I'm your average white suburbanite slob 

I like football and porno and books about war 

I've got an average house with a nic hardwood floor 

My wife and my job, my kids and my car 

My feet on my table and a Cuban cigar 

But sometimes that just ain't enough 

To keep a man like me interested 

(Oh no) 

No way 

(Uh-uh) 

No, I've gotta go out and have fun 

At someone else's expense 

(Oh yeah) 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah 

I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane 

While people behind me are going insane 

I'm an asshole 

(He's an asshole, what an asshole) 

I'm an asshole 

(He's an asshole, such an asshole) 

I use public toilets and piss on the seat 

I walk around in the summertime saying 

"How about this heat?" 

I'm an asshole 

(He's an asshole, what an asshole) 

I'm an asshole 

(He's the world's biggest asshole) 

Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces 

While handicapped people make handicapped faces 

I'm an asshole 

(He's an asshole, what an asshole) 

I'm an asshole 

(He's a real fucking asshole) 

Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song 

Ranting and raving and carrying on 

Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong 

Nah! 

I'm an asshole 

(He's an asshole, what an asshole) 

I'm an asshole 

(He's the world's biggest asshole) 

You know what I'm gonna do? 

I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac, El Dorado convertible 

Hot pink with whaleskin hub caps and all leather cow interior 

And big brown baby seal eyes for headlights, yeah 

And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115 mph 

Getting one mile per gallon, sucking down quarter pounder 

Cheese burgers from McDonald's in the old fashioned 

Non-biodegradable Styrofoam containers 

And when I'm done sucking down those grease ball burgers 

I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag 

And then I'm gonna toss the Styrofoam container right out the side 

And there ain't a goddamned thing anybody can do about it 

You know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why 

Two words, nuclear fucking weapons, okay? 

Russia, Germany, Romania 

They can have all the democracy they want 

They can have a big democracy cake walk 

Right through the middle of Tienanmen square 

And it won't make a lick of difference 

Because we've got the bombs, okay? John Wayne's not dead 

He's frozen and as soon as we find the cure for cancer 

We're gonna thaw out the duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off 

You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? 

Well multiple that by 15 million times 

That's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be 

I'm gonna get the Duke and John Cassavetes 

(Hey) 

And Lee Marvin 

(Hey) 

And Sam Peckinpah 

(Hey) 

And a case of whiskey and drive down to Texas 

(Hey, you know you really are an asshole) 

Why don't you just shut-up and sing the song pal 

I'm an asshole 

(He's an asshole, what an asshole) 

I'm an asshole 

(He's the world's biggest asshole) 

A S S H O L E, everybody 

A S S H O L E 

Arf arf arf arf arf arf arf 

Fung achng tum a fung tum a fling chum 

Ooh, ooh 

I'm an asshole and proud of it