A Visit From Stnicholson Lyrics - Twisted Christmas - Bob Rivers

Twas the fright before Christmas 

No one upset me 

With a big bowl of popcorn, watching TV 

I stretched, gave a yawn, settled back in my chair 

In hopes that St. Nicholson soon would be there 

The children were lying awake without sleep 

Theyd seen all his movies; He gives them the creeps 

Id cued up cuckoos nest with my trusty remote 

To the part where he had all the nuts in the boat 

When out in the yard, there arose such a noise 

I turned off the TV to see what it was 

And what to my wandering eyes should approach 

But the Los Angeles Lakers, and Pat Riley, their coach 

The limo was racing, the team at its heels 

Thats when I saw him: the man at the wheel 

He ranted and cursed, and waved round his swizzle stick 

And I knew in a second it must be Jack Nick 

More rapid than the Celtics these Lakers they came 

He screamed like a mad man and called them by name 

Now Magic, now Worthy, now Scott and Kareem 

On Cooper, on Rambis and the rest of the team 

Down the chimney St. Nicholson came with a groan 

Then he brushed off the suit and said, Honey, Im home 

He was wearing a trench coat, with beer it was stained 

And his shirt was clawed to shreds by Shirley Maclaine 

He had a fat face and a flabby beer belly 

From too many trips to the bar and the deli 

He said, It's tough when an actor becomes fat and lazy 

I only get calls to play weirdos and crazies 

And middle-aged has-beens with washed up careers 

But Ill fix them all and play Santa this year 

And with that, he buried his head in the sack and said 

Lets see what you get from your old buddy Jack 

A hatchet for daddy", he reared back his head 

To scare all those little buggers upstairs in bed 

And a stiff drink for mommy in a nice tall glass 

She could really use something to kill that bug up her chimney 

With a wink of his eye and a twist of his face 

He threw all the stockings into the fireplace 

What could I do? What could I say? 

What would I wear on my feet Christmas day? 

I asked for a reason and turning his head 

He looked straight at me and heres what he said 

Why? You wanna know why? 

Do you really wanna know why, pal? Ill tell you why 

When youre out Christmas shopping 

You know, doing your little Christmas things 

With all your little Christmas friends 

Spreading all that Christmas cheer 

With those stupid Christmas songs? 

Did you ever stop and think of 

Picking up a little something for old Jack? 

Did you ever stop to think of what Jack might like for Christmas? 

You know Jack from the movies up on the big screen 

Pouring his heart out, giving it everything hes got 

Day in and day out, just trying as hard as he can 

To bring a tiny little bit of sunshine 

Into your miserable little humdrum lives 

Did you ever think of good ole Jack for a second? 

No, not once, maybe old Jack just wasnt that good 

Maybe, I wasnt good enough 

In the postman always rings twice 

Acting my guts out for you in that one 

Cuckoos nest, the shining, witches of fricking Eastwick 

Prizzis fricking honor, all for you, pal 

Just to brighten things up for you 

Not good enough though, is it? 

No, you want me to brighten up the Christmas season too? 

Isnt that what you want, pal? 

Okay, let's make things real bright around here 

What do you say we decorate the tree? 

String up these pretty lights here 

Oh, shes looking brighter already 

What do you say we take this cute little angel 

And ram her on the top branch, huh? 

How about some gasoline for the whole thing? 

I mean, let's make her just as bright as she can be 

What do you say we light her up and chuck her 

Through the old picture window here? 

No point in having a tree as bright 

As all that without giving the neighbors 

A chance to see, dont you think? 

There, arent you glad ole Jack stopped by 

The flames towered brightly in the cold, wintry sky 

As he made for his limo and bade his goodbye 

And an age may unfold air I fail to regret 

That visit from St. Nicholson, which Id sooner forget 

But I swear by the goose bumps upon my skin 

That Ill always remember that devilish grin 

And his voice, crying out as he faded from sight 

Merry Christmas to all and I hope I never see you again 

For as long as I live, for crying out loud