Smoke Off Lyrics - Shel Silverstein

In the laid back California town of sunny San Raphael 

Lived a girl named Pearly Sweetcake you probly knew her well 

Shed been stoned fifteen of her eighteen years and the story was widely told 

That she could smoke 'em faster than anyone could roll 

Her legend finally reached New York that Grove Street walk-up flat 

Where dwelt The Calistoga Kid a beatnik from the past 

With long browned lightnin fingers he takes a cultured toke 

And says Hell I can roll 'em faster Jim than any chick can smoke 

So a note gets sent to San Raphael For the Championship of the World 

The Kid demands a smoke off well bring him on says Pearl 

I'll grind his fingers off his hands he'll roll until he drops 

Says Calistog I'll smoke that chick till she blows up and pops 

So they rent out Yankee Stadium and the word is quickly spread 

Come one come all who walk or crawl price just two lids a head 

And from every town and hamlet over land and sea they speed 

The world's greatest dopers with the Worlds greatest weed 

Hashishers from Morocco hemp smokers from Peru 

And the Shamnicks from Bagun who puff the deadly Pugaroo 

And those who call it Light of Life and those that call it boo 

See the dealers and their ladies wearing turquoise lace and leather 

See the narcos and the closet smokers puffin all together 

From the teenies who smoke legal to the ones who've done some time 

To the old man who smoked reefer back before it was a crime 

And the grand old house that Ruth built is filled with the smoke and cries 

Of fifty thousand screaming heads all stoned out of their minds 

And they play the national anthem and the crowd lets out a roar 

As the spotlight hits The Kid and Pearl ready for their smokin' war 

At a table piled up high with grass as high as a mountain peak 

Just tops and buds of the rarest flowers not one stem branch or seed 

Maui Wowie Panama Red and Acapulco Gold 

Kif from East Afghanistan and rare Alaskan Cold 

Sticks from Thailand Ganja from the Islands and Bangkok's Bloomin' Best 

And some of that wet imported shit that capsized off Key West 

Oaxacan tops and Kenya Bhang and Riviera Fleurs 

And that rare Manhatten Silver that grows down in the New York sewers 

And there's bubblin' ice cold lemonade and sweet grapes by the bunches 

And there's Hersheys bars and Oreos 'case anybody gets the munchies 

And the Calistoga Kid he sneers and Pearley she just grins 

And the drums roll low and the crowd yells go and the worlds first Smoke Off begins 

Kid flicks his magic fingers once and zap that first joints rolled 

Pearl takes one drag with her mighty lungs and woosh that roach is cold 

Then The Kid he rolls his Super Bomb thatd paralyze a moose 

And Pearley takes one super hit and slurp that bomb defused 

Then he rolls three in just ten seconds and she smokes 'em up in nine 

And everybody sits back and says this just might take some time 

See the blur of flyin fingers see the red coal burnin bright 

As the night turns into mornin and the mornin fades to night 

And the autumn turns to summer and a whole damn year is gone 

But the two still sit on that roach-filled stage smokin' and rollin' on 

With tremblin hands he rolls his jays with fingers blue and stiff 

She coughs and stares with bloodshot gaze and puffs through blistered lips 

And as she reaches out her hand for another stick of gold 

The Kid he gasps Goddamn it bitch there's nothin' left to roll 

Nothin left to roll screams Pearl Is this some twisted joke 

I didn't come here to fuck around man I come here to smoke 

And she reaches cross the table and grabs his bony sleeves 

And she crumbles his body between her hands like dried and brittle leaves 

Flickin' out his teeth and bones like useless stems and seeds 

And then she rolls him in a Zig Zag and lights him like a roach 

And the fastest man with the fastest hands goes up in a puff of smoke 

In the laid-back California town of sunny San Raphael 

Lives a girl named Pearly Sweetcake you probly know her well 

She's been stoned twenty-one of her twenty-four years and the storys widely told 

How she still can smoke 'em faster than anyone can roll 

While off in New York City on a street that has no name 

There's the hands of the Calistoga Kid in the Viper Hall of Fame 

And underneath his fingers there's a little golden scroll 

That says Beware of Bein' the Roller When There's Nothin' Left to Roll