Juanita And The Kids Lyrics - Ray Stevens

I got a letter from the IRS 

Inviting me to be their guest at an audit 

They were conducting just for me 

They said, "No need to worry, probably nothing wrong. 

Just bring your wife and children along. 

We just need to clear up a small technicality." 

Now the only problem with an audit is 

My wife Juanita and our fourteen kids 

Friends, you cannot believe the refunds they have been worth 

But it was years ago that I got this idea 

And I bought Juanita in the mail from Korea 

She's an inflatable doll, but she came with a certificate of birth! 

I was a single guy without any deductions 

So I claimed Juanita, and what a reduction! 

I received with her as my spouse on the taxes I pay 

That worked so well that every year after that 

I reported a birth when I paid my tax 

Each kid certified by Cabbage Patch, USA 

Oh, Juanita (Juanita) 

My inflatable señorita 

The IRS wants to take you and the children away (Away-yay-yay-yay) 

You and Jim and Tammy, Loni and Burt, 

Farrah, Charo, Michael, and Kirk, 

Jan and Dean, Irlene, Louise, Barbara, and Little Ray (Little Ray) 

So I dressed Juanita like the perfect mother 

Velcroed the children to one another 

And when we walked into that audit those people nearly flipped their lids! Heh heh heh! 

I said, "Juanita might lay around and never cook 

And the children don't clean their rooms and never crack a book 

But hey, they ain't no different from my brother's wife and kids! Uh huh! 

"And I got Social Security cards here for every one 

My wife, my daughters, and all of my sons 

All officially issued by the government of the USA 

"So before you call me down to muster 

Somebody here better think twice, buster! 

Do you really wanna be the one to accuse the government of making a big mistake? Huh?" 

Oh, Juanita (Juanita) 

My CO2 señorita 

The IRS wants to take you and the children away (Away-yay-yay-yay) 

You and Jim and Tammy, Loni and Burt, 

Farrah, Charo, Michael, and Kirk, 

Jan and Dean, Irlene, Louise, Barbara, and Little Ray (Little Ray) 

That agent sat there, his mouth agape 

Thinking over that government mistake 

And how his civil service career could be at its end 

And then he reached for a stamp that read, "Approved" 

And said, "Hope the kids do better next year in school! 

And why don't you and the Missus drop by and say hello now and then! Heh heh heh!" 

Oh, Juanita (Juanita) He he he! 

My inflatable señorita 

Looks like you and the kids all get to stay (Stay-yay-yay-yay) He he he! 

[Spoken:] 

What's that, honey? You need to get home quick? 

You say you started feelin' a little sick? 

And you think you might once again be in a family way? 

Ha ha ha ha! 

What's that? You think it might be triplets this time? 

Ho ho ho ho, Juanita, you are a wonder 

Ha ha ha! 

Do what? Why, of course we can support your mother! 

Heh heh heh! 

I even think her moving expenses are deductible, too! 

He he he! 

Does she still live in Bangkok?