I Wonder What Happened To Him Lyrics - Noël Coward

Verse 1 

The India that one read about 

And may have been misled about 

In one respect has kept itself intact. 

Though 'Pukka Sahib' traditions may have cracked 

And thinned 

The good old Indian army's still a fact. 

That famous monumental man 

The Officer and Gentleman 

Still lives and breathes and functions from Bombay to Katmandu 

At any moment one can glimpse 

Matured or embryonic 'Blimps' 

Vivaciously speculating as to what became of who. 

Though Eastern sounds may fascinate your ear 

When West meets West you're always sure to hear- 

Refrain 1 

Whatever became of old Bagot? 

I haven't seen him for a year. 

Is it true that young Forbes had to marry that Faggot 

He met in the Vale of Kashmir? 

Have you had any news 

Or that chap in the "Blues", 

Was it Prosser or Pyecroft or Pym? 

He was stationed in Simla, or was it Bengal? 

I know he got tight at a ball in Nepal 

And wrote several four-letter words on the wall. 

I wonder what happened to him! 

Refrain 2 

Whatever became of old Shelley? 

Is it true that young Briggs was cashiered 

For riding quite nude on a push-bike through Delhi 

The day the new Viceroy appeared? 

Have you had any word 

Of that bloke in the 'Third', 

Was it Southerby, Sedgwick or Sim? 

They had him thrown out of the club in Bombay 

For, apart from his mess bill exceeding his pay, 

He took to pig-sticking in quite the wrong way. 

I wonder what happened to him! 

Verse 2 

One must admit that by and large 

Upholders of the British Raj* 

Don't shine in conversation as a breed. 

Though Indian army officers can read 

A bit 

Their verbal wit-has rather run to seed. 

Their splendid insularity 

And roguish jocularity 

Was echoing through when Victoria was Queen. 

In restaurants and dining-cars, 

In messes, clubs and hotel bars 

They try to maintain tradition in the way it's always been. 

Though worlds may change and nations disappear 

Above the shrieking chaos you will hear- 

Refrain 3 

Whatever became of old Tucker? 

Have you heard any word of young Mills 

Who ruptured himself at the end of a chukka 

And had to be sent to the hills? 

They say that young Lees 

Had a go of 'D.T.'s' 

And his hopes of promotion are slim. 

According to Stubbs, who's a bit of a louse, 

The silly young blighter went out on a 'souse', 

And took two old tarts into Government House. 

I wonder what happened to him! 

Refrain 4 

Whatever became of old Keeling? 

I hear that he got back from France 

And frightened three nuns in a train in Darjeeling 

By stripping and waving his lance! 

D'you remember Munroe, 

In the P.A.V.O? 

He was tallish and mentally dim. 

The talk of heredity can't be quite true, 

He was dropped on his head by his ayah at two, 

I presume that by now he'll have reached G.H.Q. 

I'm sure that's what happened to him! 

Refrain 5 

Whatever became of old Archie? 

I hear he departed this life 

After rounding up ten sacred cows in Karachi 

To welcome the Governor's wife. 

D'you remember young Phipps 

Who had very large hips 

And whose waist was excessively slim? 

Well, it seems that some doctor in Grosvenor Square 

Gave him hormone injections for growing his hair 

And he grew something here, and he grew something there. 

I wonder what happened to her-him? 

[Note: *In an early version the lack of conversational skills of the "upholders of the British Raj" was replace by-] 

Devote themselves to action and to deed.