His Excellency Regrets Lyrics - Noël Coward

Oh, tell us please 

Entirely confidentially 

How A.D.C.s 

Are trained in social grace. 

It's awfully brave 

Daily to be called upon to save 

His Excellency's face! 

Any explanations 

Of the duties of an A.D.C. 

Prove the complications 

That are rife at Government House. 

Certain situations 

We could never let a lady see, 

There are strange vibrations 

In the life at Government House. 

Truth is often sacrificed for reasons of diplomacy. 

That of course we understand 

But all the same it must be grand 

To be 

So suave, so calm, so dignified! 

If you knew what all that signified-we- 

Who break the Ninth Commandment every day 

Would hang our heads in shame and say 

Forgive-we have to live 

Officially on feet of clay. 

Every minute 

We're made to sin it 

Is really very depraved, 

But to Hell 

With the lies we tell, 

His Excellency's honour must be saved. 

His Excellency regrets 

That owing to an attack of Gout 

He really dare not venture out 

On Saturday to dine. 

His Excellency regrets 

That owing to doctor's orders he 

Cannot attend the Mission tea 

And also must decline 

Your kind invitation 

For Wednesday week. 

A slight operation 

And poor circulation 

Combined with a weedy physique 

Has made him unable to speak. 

All this in addition to what 

The Doctors describe as a 'Clot' 

Which may disappear 

By the end of the year 

But may, very possibly, not! 

His Excellency regrets 

That owing to his exalted state 

He can no more associate 

With amiable brunettes. 

Walk up-walk up-we're willing to take your bets 

That that's one of the principal things His Excellency regrets! 

So now we know 

About the Diplomatic Corps, 

How it can so 

Corrupt the soul of youth. 

What happens if 

Some day you give the waiting world a whiff 

Of plain, unvarnished truth? 

His Excellency regrets 

That, failing a better alibi, 

He must admit he'd rather die 

Than open your Bazaar. 

His Excellency regrets 

That, lacking enough official scope, 

He can't disband the Band of Hope 

No matter where they are. 

He frankly despises 

The people he rules, 

His gorge also rises 

When giving the prizes 

At co-educational schools 

To rows of illiterate fools. 

And if you should write in the book 

He'll give you a murderous look. 

For it ruins his day 

To be taken away 

From his rod and his line and his hook! 

His Excellency regrets 

He hasn't enough to run the house 

Or pay the staff-or feed a mouse 

Upon the pay he gets 

Heigho-heigho-he's up to his ears in debts 

But that's one of the least of the things His Excellency regrets!