Cheese Shop Lyrics - Matching Tie And Handkerchief - Monty Python

Good Morning 

Morning, sir 

Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium 

Ah, thank you, my good man 

What can I do for you, sir? 

Well, I was sitting in the public library 

On Thurmon Street just now 

Skimming through Rogue Herry's by Hugh Walpole 

And I suddenly came over all peckish 

Peckish, sir? 

Esuriant 

Eh 

'Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike 

Ah, hungry 

In a nutshell, and I thought 

To myself, A little fermented curd will do the trick 

So I curtailed my Walloping activities 

Sallied forth and infiltrated your place 

Of purveyance to negotiate the vending 

Of some cheesy comestibles 

Come again 

I want to buy some cheese 

Oh, I thought you were complaining 

About the bouzouki player 

Oh, heaven forbid, I am one who delights 

In all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse 

Sorry? 

'Ooh, ah like a nice tune, 'yer forced too 

So he can go on playing, can he 

Most certainly, now then 

Some cheese please, my good man 

Certainly, sir, what would you like? 

Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester? 

I'm afraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir 

Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit? 

I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week 

Sir, we get it fresh on Monday 

Tish tish, no matter, well stout yeoman 

Four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please 

Ah, it's been on order, sir, for two weeks 

Was expecting it this morning 

T's not my lucky day, is it, aah, Bel Paese? 

Sorry, sir 

Red Windsor? 

Normally, sir, yes, today the van broke down 

Ah, Stilton? 

Sorry 

Ementhal, Gruyere? 

No 

Any Norwegian Jarlsberg, per chance? 

No 

Lepta? 

No 

Lancaster? 

No 

White Stilton? 

No 

Danish Brew? 

No 

Double Gloucester? 

No 

Cheshire? 

No 

Dorset Bluveny? 

No 

Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq 

Port Salut, Savoy Aire 

Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest 

Bres Bleu, Bruson? 

No 

Camembert, perhaps? 

Ah, we have Camembert, yes, sir 

You do, excellent 

Yes, sir, it's, ah, it's a bit runny 

Oh, I like it runny 

Well, it's very runny, actually, sir 

No matter, fetch hither 

The fromage de la Belle France, mwah 

I think it's a bit runnier 

Than you'll like it, sir 

I don't care how fucking runny it is 

Hand it over with all speed 

Oh! 

What now? 

The cat's eaten it 

Has he? 

She, sir 

Gouda? 

No 

Edam? 

No 

Case Ness? 

No 

Smoked Austrian? 

No 

Japanese Sage Darby? 

No, sir 

You do have some cheese, do you? 

Of course, sir, it's a cheese shop, sir, we've got 

No, no, don't tell me, I'm keen to guess 

Fair enough 

Uh, Wensleydale? 

Yes 

Ah, well, I'll have some of that 

Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir 

Mister Wensleydale, that's my name 

Greek Feta? 

Uh, not as such 

Uh, Gorgonzola? 

No 

Parmesan? 

No 

Mozzarella? 

No 

Paper Cramer? 

No 

Danish Bimbo? 

No 

Czech sheep's milk? 

No 

Venezuelan Beaver Cheese? 

Not today, sir, no 

Aah, how about Cheddar? 

Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir 

Not much call, it's the single most 

Popular cheese in the world 

Not 'round here, sir 

And what is the most 

Popular cheese 'round here? 

Illchester, sir 

Is it? 

Oh, yes, it's staggeringly 

Popular in this manusquire 

Is it? 

It's our number one best seller, sir 

I see, uh, Illchester, eh 

Right, sir? 

All right, okay, have you got any? 

He asked expecting the answer 'No' 

I'll have a look, sir, um, no 

It's not much of a cheese shop, is it? 

Finest in the district 

Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please 

Well, it's so clean, sir 

It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese 

You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir 

Is it worth it? 

Could be 

Have you, shut that bloody bouzouki up 

Told you sir 

Have you got any Limburger? 

No 

Figures, predictable, really I suppose 

It was an act of purest optimism 

To have posed the question in the first place 

Tell me? 

Yes, sir 

Have you, in fact, got any cheese here at all? 

Yes, sir 

Really? 

No, not really, sir 

You haven't? 

No, sir, not a scrap 

I was deliberately 

Wasting your time, sir 

Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going 

To have to shoot you 

Right-o, sir 

What a senseless waste of human life