Conspiracies Lyrics - Loudon Wainwright Iii

We don't believe in You know who 

But we don't let the kids know it 

We're parents, who are grown ups 

There's a line we have to toe it 

But we're part of a conspiracy 

About this bearded big fat guy 

Who isn't real, who never lived 

Who's old, but doesn't die 

We went to the department store 

We climbed out on that limb 

Told the kids that it was You know who 

We said that bum was him 

Then we placed them on his knee 

To me, the knee seemed rather bony 

Happily they sat though chatting with that phony 

Told the kids we could provide the proof 

Deceit, how I hate it 

We put out the milk and cookies 

Yes, I admit I drank and ate it 

Then that fib about the North Pole 

Is if any Elves could live there 

We helped to write and send that letter 

Knowing full well, it went nowhere 

You know who comes down the chimney 

How could such a fat man fit? 

The whole thing is preposterous 

Yet we get children to buy it 

We have no shame, the lies pile up 

You think at least we'd bark 

When we sing of red nosed reindeer 

And snowmen who dance and talk 

Well it's just a harmless story 

A fairytales and Christmas fun 

Not unlike that other theory 

The one about Gods Son 

Where Angels talk to shepherds 

Wise men troop after a star 

And a Virgin has a baby 

Boy that's fetched pretty far 

But we adults buy that conspiracy 

We toe and swallow that old line 

Disappearing milk and cookies 

What about that bread and wine? 

It's enough to make you hesitate 

It's enough to give you pause 

Perhaps it's just as crucial 

Kids believe in You know who