Cheeseburger Easterns Lyrics - Lex Zaleta

I had one fortune cookie too many; 

I burped and got most of my movies crossed. 

One minute I was seeing Jack Benny 

In a spaceship from the land of the lost. 

The next moment there was Charlton Heston, 

Looking a lot like 007. 

He was being chased by Sergeant Preston, 

Taking nine Commandments back to heaven. 

"What's your hurry? You know heaven can wait!" 

Said a pretty woman with Beatty eyes, 

Waltzing around yodeling, "Kiss Me, Kate," 

And "Ward is bond; tomorrow never dies." 

Stuck inside a Quai Chang Cain mutiny, 

With Dick Tracy, the old man, and the sea. 

The Jaws of Life can never pull me free 

From this Tarzan and Jane calamity. 

Spaghetti westerns 

Are just fine for some - 

From Spain and Italy. 

Cheeseburger easterns 

In the L.A. sun 

Are just right for me. 

Another burp, another face appeared, 

Stuck inside of a kung fu chop-em-up. 

Young Clint Eastwood was the man to be feared; 

Old Yeller was a lonely Chinese pup. 

Lee and Shane duked it out on Cold Mountain; 

Nicholson sang "Get Back" and "Let It Be," 

"Hail to the Chief, "Three Coins in the Fountain." 

Bronson bellowed, "It looks like rain to me!" 

I saw Reynolds rap and give Fred a stare 

That could topple six or seven gables. 

Arnold stroked a French play while he was there, 

Though he pronounced it "Less Miser-ables." 

Stuck inside a Quai Chang Cain mutiny, 

With Dick Tracy, the old man, and the sea. 

The Jaws of Life can never pull me free 

From this Tarzan and Jane calamity. 

Spaghetti westerns 

Are just fine for some - 

From Spain and Italy. 

Cheeseburger easterns 

In the L.A. sun 

Are just right for me. 

Marvin gardened, asked The Rock for fifty. 

Tupac replied bluntly, "Have a forty!" 

Simon said, "I don't carry Grants on me. 

Catch twenty-two on Garfunkel's sortie." 

Monroe's muffled voice and her Midas touch 

Worked while the San Luis Rey bells did toll. 

Tiny Tim gave Heidi a golden crutch; 

Crosby crooned, "Five more and you get egg roll." 

Rocky called to E.T., "Yo, Alien!" 

Mel played guitar, a Gibson wide body. 

Tom cruised by with all the President's men. 

Hepburn sat on a tin roof, a real hottie. 

Stuck inside a Quai Chang Cain mutiny, 

With Dick Tracy, the old man, and the sea. 

The Jaws of Life can never pull me free 

From this Tarzan and Jane calamity. 

Spaghetti westerns 

Are just fine for some - 

From Spain and Italy. 

Cheeseburger easterns 

In the L.A. sun 

Are just right for me.