Progressive Christmas Carols Lyrics - Jon Cozart

We wish you happy holidays, whoever you may be 

So merry Christmas, Kwanzaa, Chanukah, or heck all three 

We've modernized these jingles for the massive bourgeoisie 

Love, The Updated Christmas Carol Team 

You'd better not judge, you better not hate 

Better not bully or discriminate 

Progressive Santa's coming to town 

He's making a list of gluten free foods 

He won't take a peek at J-Law's nudes 

Progressive Santa's coming to town 

He's 50 different races 

And all for tax reform 

He'll protect all your children 

Well, as long as they've been born 

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer 

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer (reindeer) 

Had an advantageous nose (he outlived his friends) 

He passed his bright red traits on (traits on) 

Darwin said that's how it goes (evolution's not a theory) 

Mary did you know that your baby boy supports the NRA 

Mary did you know that your baby boy is white 

Deck the halls with kujichagulia 

Kwa wa wa wa wa wa wa wanza 

Give zawadi, hang benderas 

Kwa wa wa wa wa wa wa wanza 

Throw your hands up in the air-uh 

You're a green one, Mr. Grinch 

You're lacking in finesse 

That greenish epidermis determines your success 

Mr. Grinch 

Racist Whos constrain you to the issues they continue to suppress 

You're an outlier, Mr. Grinch 

You give the Whos a fright 

They say your heart is 3/5ths normal 

You're either wrong or white 

Mr. Grinch 

Don't walk the streets of Whoville you might fight a cop the Whos will not indict 

I'm dreaming of a racially ambiguous holiday 

Away in a manger with Jesus and crew 

His schmeckle got cut cause hey Christ was a Jew 

O holy night, the stars are brightly shining 

It is the night Jesus did something holy 

Joseph watched golf, his leather chair reclining 

As Mary birthed a child, I think a donkey was involved 

Three wise men came, with GPS they found him 

Christ lied in a barn, as his omniscient baby-daddy tucked him in 

Jesus crawled on his knees 

His mom shared it on snapchat 

O bright device! 

O night, when Christ celebrated Christmas 

Related 

Naughty & Nice Christmas Songs 

5 Totally Underrated Christmas Songs 

9 Misheard Christmas Carol Lyrics 

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