Worthless Recluse Lyrics - Jandek

Worthless recluse 

Bang, pow, steel, muscle, k 

What worse, I'm alone 

Grown the bane of not being interested in the plate they passed to you 

All the pleasure spots in the city 

And if I walk in, my person screams 

I'm obviously out of place 

My shoes don't kick one over the other 

So much as they used to 

I'm here, God knows it 

But where are you 

The object of my satisfaction? 

But this solitude doesn't agree with anyone 

What's my name? 

Go, and be alone, and stop crying 

Well it's not any fun 

And I look at myself being busy 

And I know I'm putting something off 

What is it? 

I remember being alive 

In the cold northern cities 

I didn't need to think if I were interested 

Eight-thirty wasn't too late 

And I look at my lonely bed 

Where once in my life I shared it regular 

Oooooh, the years, and the time 

These memories that keep me going 

From one activity to another 

Well I don't know which is the real life 

What I do actively 

Or when my thoughts are lost in time 

My new house, in elegant comfort, is one thing 

But being huddled in red, blue, and orange 

Cracks in the walls, wind whistling 

I'll not ever forget 

And your face behind the flowers 

Somehow branded to my half-life 

Which may take over yet 

Consciously I play the game of making money 

Back in my brain, is the cold northern cities 

And the cold that makes me jump up and down 

I just can't seem to kill this pain today 

I can't afford to do me in 

And it makes me wonder whoever is happy in this world 

I can't see them, are they there? 

The supermarkets are always jam packed, the acceptable way 

I got a big frame, born with it, sure do need a side of beef 

42 heads of lettuce, 888 potatoes 

And all the apple pies my Mack truck can drive away with 

Cure all, better than a bandage 

Better than the blue 

Better even than TV 

Oh oh, here comes the pain 

Break out a barrel of cheese 

Yep, we got ours 

Ooh, coming on years since I met you 

Half the time I saw you 

Half the time one of your eyes looked past my shoulder 

What was there? Was it better than my eyes? 

When you let me see you 

Nothing looked better 

Even, unfortunate or not, me 

Maybe that's why now, I view myself in the dream 

And finding myself, and it hurts 

And the dream is more fun 

Anything beats the pain of being me and knowing I'm alone 

And putting off doing something, whatever it is 

I guess, something, like 

Living in northern city doorways 

Heading north, to the woods, to clean earth (?) 

Back where the police invite you to 

The back seat of their car, check you out 

Why can't I shave and do my part to build man's home? 

Where do you live, man? Do you really live here? 

Why does my dream keep forgetting that? 

Power, let's build power 

I guess it spreads the English language 

Communication, no more tribes with shrunken heads 

It's inevitable, it's my playground 

But I have to be serious 

Step into the car, mister. What are you? 

I'm a little boy, I don't wanna be big 

I'll act out my part, and lean on my half-life 

In times of trouble, or when it's just there 

What else can I do? 

Except be a man, and visit ice castle 

And live on rocks even if it is cement 

And anything's better than all this dirt and grass 

So far from the woods, give me cement and wall to wall people 

Let me know where I am 

Or show me the way to the woods 

Wearing deerskin shoes, and carrying a club 

Or walking naked on top the snow, light as the air 

Black leather head to toe 

With some place to go. 

I wanna be where no time is the wrong time 

Where everything falls in place 

Like fiber-optics, ultrasonic waves, and control systems 

Control is the name of the game 

Lord God, let me get it down 

When I get it to a fine T, it's gone 

Let it build to perfection, and stay 

Oh well, take off 

Target eternal light, all systems go. Satisfaction 

Maybe then this worthless recluse can carry a torch 

Look, I'm a human 

But I'm something supernatural 

The dream gives light 

Listen all you dead and dying 

Don't be afraid 

If it hurts, let it die 

The Easter lily blooms 

Its smell surrounds the table 

An unforgettable presence, an ominous sight 

The purple foil covers the vase pot 

Casting reflections through the diffused light 

Such beauty and awesome fragrance 

Who ever thought they could remove this sanctuary 

I don't like fighting, especially when I'm fighting me 

I'm staying up late and I don't really know why 

I hope I can live till tomorrow and the next day without eating 

I'm fed up with eating for a while 

I know it, it's only weakness 

That binds me at the supermarket counter 

Trading green paper for something to do 

Blessed are the sociable, that say stupid things 

And get close to their neighbors 

It takes a worthless recluse to shrink from groups 

It takes a half-hearted chicken recluse 

To live among people 

The best of them disappear 

And that's what it's all about 

That's why I can't make it 

I'm not strong enough to disappear 

It takes a supernatural being to disappear 

I'm not that good 

This human thing in me wants me to be a hero 

I want people to think I'm great 

I want people giving me so much money 

That I have an airplane, a boat and car and house that's everywhere 

And the network to support all this 

So where is it? 

Stuck in the dream, because I don't have the courage to disappear 

I know it's the only way to salvation, but 

The old nag human me still wants to play with money, people and things 

To make a name in the world 

Disappearing to God's eye 

And away from the eye of the world 

Is the big step 

Weaklings like me have to hang around, and play, and fudge, and delay 

For fear of the big step 

I'm just lucky I even know about it 

The only reason I do know 

Is I begged god to tell me about it 

On my knees, screaming with pain 

On the sixth floor, in New York City 

So I'm telling you about it 

Everyone doesn't have to live in northern doorways 

To take the big step 

Or go to the woods, or ice 

We all have our way to go, but everyone knows 

Now that I'm telling you 

That there is something to do 

A big step to take 

Into the eye of God 

Play human if you have to 

But at least know 

And don't kid yourself 

Behind that big piece of delicious poison 

All you dead and dying 

Disappear to your own eye 

So that you don't see yourself 

Live the half-life 

Step inside the dream