T**ties & Beer Lyrics - Frank Zappa

It was the blackest night 

There was no moon in sight 

You know the stars ain't shinin' 

'Cause the sky's too tight 

I heard the scarey wind 

I seen some ugly trees 

There was a werewolf honkin' 

'Long the side of me 

I'm mean 'n I'm bad, y'know I ain't no sissy 

Got a big-t**ty girly by the name of Chrissy 

Talkin' about her 'n my bike 'n me... 

'N this ride up the Mountain of Mystery, Mystery 

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I noticed even the crickets 

Was actin' weird up here 

And So I figured I might 

Just drink a little beer 

I said, *"Gimme summa that what yer suckin' on..." 

But there was no reply 

'Cause she was gone... 

*"Where's those t**ties that I like so well 

'n my goddamn beer!"* 

Is what I started to yell, then I heard this noise 

Like a crunchin' twig, 'n up jumped the Devil...he's about this big... 

Photos 

He had a red suit on 

An' a widow's peak 

An' then a pointed tail 

'N like a sulphur reek 

Yes, it was him awright 

I sweared I knowed it was 

He had some human flesh 

Stuck underneath his claws 

You know it looked to me 

Like it was t**ty skin 

I said, *"You sonofabitch!"* 

'Cause I was mad at him, 

Well he just got out his floss 

'N started cleanin' his fang 

So I shot him with my shooter 

Said: BANG BANG BANG 

Then the sucker just laughed 'n said, *"Put it away... 

You know, I ate her all up...now what you 

gonna say?"* 

YOU ATE MY CHRISSY? *"t**ties 'n all!"* 

WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE BEER THEN, BOY? *"Were the cans 

this tall?" 

EVEN HER BOOTS? *"Would I lie to you?"* 

S***, YOU MUSTA BEEN HUNGRY! *"Yes, this is true."* 

WELL DON'T THEY PAY YOU GOOD FOR THE 

STUFF THAT YOU DO? 

*"Well, you know, I can't complain when the checks come through..."* 

WELL I WANT MY CHRISSY, 'N I WANT MY BEER 

SO YOU JUST BARF IT BACK UP NOW, DEVIL, 

DO YOU HEAR? 

*"Blow it out your ass, motorcycle man! I mean, I am the Devil, 

Do you understand? Just what will you give me 

for your 

t**ties and beer? I suppose you noticed this little 

contract here..."* YER GODDAM RIGHT, YOU 

SON-OF-A-WHORE, 

*"Don't call me that"* 

THAT'S ABOUT THE ONLY REASON 

...GIMME THAT PAPER...BET YER ASS 

I'll SIGN... 

'CAUSE I NEED A BEER, 'N IT'S T**TY- 

SQUEEZIN' TIME 

*"Man, You can't fool me...you ain't that bad... 

I mean you shoulda seen some of the souls I had... 

Why there was Milhous Nixon 'n Agnew, too... 

'n both 

of those suckers was worse 'n you..."* 

WELL, LET'S MAKE A DEAL IF YOU THINK 

THAT'S TRUE 

I MEAN, YOU'RE THE DEVIL, SO WHATCHA 

GONNA DO? 

(improvised dialog) 

"Wait a minute...a tinge of doubt crosses my mind...when you say... 

that you want to make a deal with me..." 

"That's very, very true 

I'm only interested in two things 

*"Yeah?"* 

See if you can guess what they are" 

"I would think...uh...let's see, maybe Stravinsky..." 

"I'll give you two clues. Let go of your pickle" 

"What?" 

"Let go of your pickle!" 

"I'm not holding my pickle" 

"Well, who's holding your pickle then?" 

"I don't know...she's out in the audience... 

Hey Dale, would you like to come up here and hold 

my pickle to satisfy this weird man out on the stage?" 

"I'm only interested in two things, and that's 

t**ties and beer 

you know what I mean? 

*"What?"* 

t**ties and beer 

t**ties and beer 

t**ties and beer 

t**ties and beer 

t**ties and beer 

t**ties and beer 

t**ties and beer!" 

t**ties and beer!" 

*"I don't know if you're the right guy?"* 

t**ties and beer!" 

t**ties and beer!" 

*"No! Don't sign it! Give me time to think... 

I mean hold on a second boy, 'cause that's magic ink!" 

And then the devil let go of his pickle 

and out come my girl, there was her t**ties 

flop-floppin'...all around the world 

She said "I got me three beers and a fistful of downs 

and I'm gonna get ripped, so f***, you clowns!" 

Then she gave us the finger, it was rigid and stiff 

That's when the devil, he farted 

and she went right over the cliff! 

The devil was mad, I took off to my pad 

I swear I do declare, how did she get back there? 

I swear I do declare, how did she get back there? 

I swear I do declare, how did she get back there? 

I swear I do declare, how did she get back there? 

I swear I do declare, how did she get back there?