Campaign Speech Lyrics - Eminem

Jumped out of the 2nd floor of a record store with a Treacherous Four cassette 

and a cassette recorder 

in Ecuador with Edward Norton 

Witness the metamorphosis of a legend growin' like an expert swordsman from the Hessian war and hence the origin of the Headless Horseman 

Born with the endorphins of a pathetic orphan 

Endless source and reservoir of extension cords in dresser drawers, and deadbolts on the bedroom door, and sexual torture kits kept in a separate storage bin 

Excellent boyfriend! 

Use intercourse to settle scores with women who have vendettas towards men 

Dickhead is forced in 'till there's shredded foreskin 

Reddish torn, and they're only bein' fed a portion 

Bed sores, and sore shins, pregnant whores can get abortions 

Fetish for stickin' metal forks in, self-absorption 

Skeletor, I went to Hell and fell a floor 

A predator, I'm headed for competitors 

Better warn 'em, what I lack in tact and a set of morals 

I make up for in metaphors like a cosmetic store 

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Stegosaurus, Chuck Norris with a thesaurus 

Yes, of course, a mess of warrants 

You want some? Come and get some, boys! 

I'm givin' Daniel Pantaleo a refresher course on excessive force and pressure points, 

and dressin' George Zimmerman in a fluorescent orange dress and four inch heels to address the court 

with a bullseye on his back 

His whole chest, and torso are left on the doorsteps of Trayvon's dad as a present for him! 

In my present form I'm Desert Storm 

Appetite for destruction, there's no suppressant for 

Aggressive, forceful, and less remorseful in every morsel 

Unpleasant, horrible; hello, gorgeous! 

The rebel with devil horns just fell off the yellow short bus 

Met a contortionist said, "When you wanna get sexual?" 

She said, "However I fit in your schedule. I'm flexible." 

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Expired tags on the Saturn... 

Got Catherine Bach in the back in Daisy Dukes with the hazards on at a traffic stop gettin' harassed, signed an autograph for this asshole cop's daughter 

Laughed 'cause I called her a brat on it, he spat on it, and brought it back lookin' half in shock 

Had a heart attack, and dropped dead 

Started fallin' back with it, and got slapped with a Colin Kaepernick practice sock 

One ball and half a dick: Apple Watch 

Cracked front axle, walked in a Bass Pro Shop with David Hasselhoff 

Pulled Tabasco sauce out of my satchel 

Knocked over a fisherman's tackle box and asked if they had a laugh in stock? 

That was fuckin' stupid... 

You got it twisted, all 'cause I offered this bitch a doggie biscuit, you call me misogynistic? 

Bitch, get to massagin' this dick! 

Like spas in this bitch, slob on it with gobs of lipstick 

Got a shoppin' list for you to run some odds and ends with 

There's not a bitch on this earth I can be monogamous with 

She's non-existent 

Robin Thicke with a throbbin' dick on some suave and slick shit, but I shout derivatives at bitches like fuckin' missile launchers 

Misfit, blond, and nitwit 

Like I've gone ballistic, with a frostin' tip kit 

Screamed, "I hate blondes!" and became one... 

I'm optimistic 

Love to start shit 

Shovin' Clark Kent's undergarments in the glove compartment of the bucket, bumpin' Bubba Sparxxx 

I'm double parkin' up at Targets, trouble causer, a double crosser, 

shadiest mothafucka you'll ever come across 

Olympic gymnast, been known for "some assaults" 

A couple lawsuits, enough to cause a stomach ulcer 

Same damn brain scan results as Rainman's'es 

Something's aweful when Dustin Hoffman's dressin' up in your mummy costume 

on stage dancin' to "Brain Damage," 

What's the problem? Nothing's wrong, the name brand is back to reclaim status 

Run the faucet, I'mma dunk a bunch of Trump supporters underwater 

Snuck up on 'em in Ray-Bans in a gray van with a spray tan 

It's a wrap, like an ACE bandage 

Don't-give-a-fuck persona, to my last DNA strand 

E&J in the waistband, at the VMAs with the stagehand 

She wants kielbasa 

Pre-arrange an escape plan 

Three-inch blade on point, like a See-and-Say 

Consider me a dangerous man, but you should be afraid of this dang candidate 

You say Trump don't kiss ass like a puppet 'cause he runs his campaign with his own cash for the fundin' 

And that's what you wanted, a fuckin' loose cannon who's blunt with his hand on the button who doesn't have to answer to no one? 

—Great idea! 

If I was president "gettin' off" is the first order of business 

once I get in office 

Second thing that'll make me happy's walkin' up to Uncle Sam naked, laughin', dick cupped in hand, screamin', "Fuck safe sex!" 

Throw a latex and an AIDS test at him! 

Tell Congress I run this land, and I want the rubber banned, and make it snappy 

Addiction to friction and static 

Addict who can't escape the habit 

Continue to chase the dragon, but as fate would have it, 

I walked up in Major Magics dressed as the maintenance man in a laser tag vest and a racin' jacket with a gauge to blast it, and sped away in the station wagon 

Stacey Dash's and Casey Anthony's crazy asses in the backseat throwin' Stayfree pads at me 

Dead passenger in the passenger seat 

Unfasten the safety latches, and slam on the brakes in traffic so hard I snapped the relocation brackets for the monster tires 

'finna get a murder case and catch it like you threw it at me encased in plastic 

And send Dylann Roof through the windshield of the Benz 

until he spins like a pinwheel and begins feelin' 

like a windmiller with a thin build while his skin's peelin', 

and skids 'til he hits a cement pillar 

Swing for the fence like Prince Fielder, knock it into the upper peninsula 

You wanna go against 'zilla, The Rap God? 

When will I quit? Never been realer 

The in-stiller of fear, not even a scintilla of doubt whose pens iller than Prince in a chinchilla or Ben Stiller in a suspense thriller 

Revenge killer, avenge syllable binge 

Fill a syringe, 'til I... 

Draw first blood 

Even pop shit on my pop shit, and it's popular 

Couldn't be more awkwarder cause you're innocence I robbed you of 

It's my fingers that got stuck up 

Taught ya ta, not give a slapstick hockey puck 

The broad hunter with the sawed off like an arm when it's lopped off of ya, but I'm not gonna get the shotgun or the Glock I'm gonna opt for the ox 'cause I'm into objects that are sharp when I shop, and it's not a shock, I'm such an obnoxious fucker... 

The Rock Hudson of rock 'cause who would have thought this much of a cocksucker to go across the buttocks of Vivica Fox with a box cutter? 

That was for 50 

Little slap on the wrist, be warned 

I'm unravelin' quickly 

My squabbles, I'm grappling with your time traveling with me 

Try and follow, as I wobble, relapse into history, with a flask of the whiskey 

Tip it back then I'm twisting wine bottles like what happened to Chris Reeve's spine column 

That's the plan of attack when I'm fixing my problems 

Wish my chest wasn't having to get these rhymes off 'em 

But the fact that I have so many rappers against me mind boggles 

And why I haven't come back on these faggots who diss me is more of a spectacular mystery than a fucking Agatha Christie crime novel! 

But my patience is wearing thin 

Swear I been contemplatin' rubbing shit in your face 'til I smear it in 

Diss you in every lyric until you fear the pen and never appear again if you actually had fuckin' careers to end 

But then I think of Molly Qerim and I steer 'em in that direction and forget my ideas for them... 

Molly, I'm gone off you 

Man, light some kush 

You're my first take, I'll nail you 

Can't lie, I gush 

If I won you over, you would be the grand prize 

I'm entranced by your looks, come and give the Shady franchise a push 

You can get it in the can like some Anheuser Busch 

Jeans too small, least three pant sizes 

Tush mushed against your damn side, your puss 

and thighs are squished 

What kind of attire's that? 

I'm ready to be rode 

Psychopath, bet you we'll get it poppin' like a flat 

Light the match to ignite the wrath 

Got knives to slash and slice hermaphrodites in half 

Piper Chapman might just have to picket me like a scab 

Hard to describe in fact 

Startling, violent, perhaps are things that come to mind as soon as I start spitting rhymes like that 

And you aren't really surprised at that, but as far as these lines I rap, 

and these bars, wouldn't dial it back if I star 69'ed the track 

Why am I such a dick?