Cousin Earl Lyrics - Dead Milkmen

Now, you wanna talk about bladder problems, then the man you wanna talk 

to will probably be my cousin Earl. I guess you all know Earl; he lives 

out on Route 13 out on that maggot farm. Earl don't like it when you get 

his maggot farm confused with a worm farm. A worm farm is for worms, and 

a maggot farm is for maggots, and Earl's got the biggest maggots in the 

state. Three feet long. Of course, now Earl believes this might be due 

to the fact that St. Smithen's Medical Facility has been dumping their 

waste on his property. Interesting thing about three-foot maggots is 

that... that, well, one day the china disappeared, and then the next 

day his television disappeared, and then a few days after that, his 

'57 Chevy disappeared. But there they are: the world's biggest maggots. 

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Anyway, one day, Earl and I were standin' in the kitchen, giant maggots 

crawlin' across the floor, and Earl turns to me, and he says, "Do you 

ever go to make a pork sausage, and find that it's got hairs all over 

it?" and he gives me a look that still chills me to this day. 

Now, Earl's got a son, and they call him Earl Junior, which I think is 

pretty clever, since he is Earl's son. He's not really a normal boy, 

ever since that tractor accident. Anyway, he ran up $5, 000 worth of 

"976-" phone bills. He called weird, unnatural numbers, like "976-PIGG" 

with two G's, and "976-SHEEP", which has five letters in it, I know. 

He's a sick boy. Earl suggested that, well, maybe I talk to him. So I 

went into his bedroom, and I sat him down, but before I could say a 

word, Earl Junior looked at me, and he said, "Didja ever go to make a 

pork sausage, and find it's got hairs all over it?" And he gave me a 

look that still chills me to this day. 

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Now, Earl's got a daughter, and they call her Effie-Sue. And Effie-Sue, 

she don't look so much like a little girl, as she looks like a... a big 

pile of fungus. Earl blames this, too, on the fact that St. Smithen's 

Medical Facility has been dumpin' on his maggot farm. And, I never had 

much contact with Essie... Effie-Sue. Excuse me, I don't even think 

that much of her to get her name right. I never had much contact with 

her. She just normallyjust sits on the couch like a little ball of 

fungus and just... boils away. Well, one day, she looked at me, and 

that little ball of fungus opened its mouth (or what I guess was its 

mouth - I'd hate to think what else it could be), and out of that 

orifice floated the words, "Didja ever go to make a... a pork sausage 

and find it's got hair all over it?", and then that... that little pile 

of fungus gave me a look that chills me to this day. 

Now, Earl's got a wife, and we call her... Wife. We don't know her 

name, because she's never really said that much. For the longest time, 

we thought she could only say two words, which were "dog" and "pussy". 

We thought that meant "dog" and "cat", but then we found out that what 

she was really trying to say was "dog-pussy", one big hyphenated word, 

which doesn't come up much in conversation, especially amongst Baptists. 

We never heard her say anything other than that. You know, she works 

down at... down at St. Smithen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage 

Distillery, got a good-paying job there, although she only does say 

those... well that one word. And we have heard her say another thing 

once, but that was a long time ago. We were sittin' around the house, 

and she looked at me, and she said, "Do you ever go to make a pork 

sausage, and find that it's got hairs growin' all over it?", and she 

gave me a look that chills me to this day. 

Now, one day, Earl took his whole family fishin' down in Miller's Creek. 

He took his wife, who could only say "dog-pussy"; he took his son, Earl 

Junior, who took the day off from calling "976-" barnyard numbers; and 

he took that little... that little ball of fungus daughter, Effie-Sue, 

of his along with him. They all got in a little boat and they started 

fishing. Now St. Smithen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage Distillery 

has been known to dump their stuff into Miller's Creek. All sorts of 

heinous stuff, big barrels floatin' in the creek, with little things on 

them that say "St. Smithen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage 

Distillery". Anyway, Earl was fishing, and he caught a wall-eyed bass, 

which had twenty-seven eyes on it. It was a twenty-seven-eyed wall-eyed 

bass. Earl looked at it, and decided, "Mmmm, wouldn't this be good to 

eat!" So he took out his knife to cut it open. But that fish looked up 

at him, and it said, "Please, mister! Please, don't eat me!" And Earl 

said, "But I'm hungry! I'm hungry! I work on a maggot farm! My wife can 

only say 'dog-pussy'! My daughter is a pile of fungus! My son spent all 

of his college money calling '976-' numbers! I have to eat you!" And 

that fish said, "Please, don't eat me, mister, please!" And he said, 

"I have to! I have to!" So the fish said, "Alright then, if you're 

gonna cut me open, let me ask you one question: Didja ever go to eat 

a pork sausage and find it's got hairs growin' all over it?" And then, 

all twenty-seven eyes stared back at Earl, and they stared back at his 

wife who could only say "dog-pussy", and they stared back at his weird 

"976-" animal-calling son, and they stared back at that... little pile 

of pus that passes for Earl's daughter. And they gave them a look! All 

twenty-seven eyes gave them a look! A look that they will not forget 

until this very day! 

Oh, man!