New Math Lyrics - Bo Burnham

So here's a song that takes 

Something that's not so fun, math, 

And makes it offensive 

What's a pirate minus the ship? 

Just a creative homeless guy 

And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? 

An ironic way to die 

And what's domain, domain, range 

A kid with too much in his pants 

And two balls minus one? 

Seven titles at the Tour de France 

Split a decision with long division, 

Take the circumference of your circumcision 

Live like your data and when you're all set 

Put it all together and whatever you get 

It's new math 

What's a bag of chips divided by five, 

Well that's a Nike workers' meal 

And Santa clause multiplied by I? 

Well I guess that makes him real 

And the square root of the NBA? 

Is Africa in a box 

How do you trace a scatter plot? 

Give the pencil to Michael J Fox 

Take the approximate moral proportion 

Of the probable problem of a pro-life abortion 

Live like your data, and when you're all set 

Put it all together and whatever you get 

It's new, it's new, it's new, it's new 

It's new math 

And if you made a factor tree 

Of the factors that caused my girl to leave me 

You'd have a tree 

Full of Asian porn 

See A-L, see you later (C-A-L-C-U-LATOR) 

Mathematical minds make industrial smog 

And what's the opposite of natural logarithm 

Dura flame, the unnatural log 

Support the farmers with a pro-tractor, 

Link Kennedy and Lincoln with a common factor 

Live like your data, and when you're all set 

Put it all together and whatever you get 

Yeah it's new, it's new, it's new, 

It's new, it's new math 

Word problems 

If there's a fat guy in a pastry shop 

With a twenty dollar bill and he's ready to buy, 

In order to predict his volume change 

You'll need to know the value of pi 

And there's a metal train that's a mile long 

And at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her, 

How long 'til it reaches and kills the driver, 

Provided that he's a good conductor, 

And if ten percent of men are gay 

And twenty percent of men are Chinese, 

What are the odds that a man chosen at random 

Spends his free time at mealtime while on his knees 

And if Kim is half as old as Bobby 

Who is two years older than twelve year old Tori, 

For how many more thirty day months 

Will their threesomes be considered statutory rape 

Because math can be sexy 

Cause having sex is like quadratic expansion 

If it can't be split then it's time to stop, 

And having sex is like doing fractions, 

It's improper for the larger one to be on top, 

And having sex is like math homework, 

I do it best when I'm alone in my bed. 

And squaring numbers are just like women, 

If they're under thirteen just do them in your head 

It's new math