Alice's Restaurant Massacree Lyrics - Arlo Guthrie

This song is called Alice's Restaurant, and it's about Alice, and the 

Restaurant, but Alice's Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant, 

That's just the name of the song, and that's why I called the song Alice's 

Restaurant. 

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant 

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant 

Walk right in it's around the back 

Just a half a mile from the railroad track 

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant 

Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago, was on, two years ago on 

Thanksgiving, when my friend and I went up to visit Alice at the 

Restaurant, but Alice doesn't live in the restaurant, she lives in the 

Church nearby the restaurant, in the bell-tower, with her husband Ray and 

Fasha the dog. And livin' in the bell tower like that, they got a lot of 

Room downstairs where the pews used to be in. Havin' all that room, 

Seein' as how they took out all the pews, they decided that they didn't 

Have to take out their garbage for a long time. 

We got up there, we found all the garbage in there, and we decided it'd be 

A friendly gesture for us to take the garbage down to the city dump. So 

We took the half a ton of garbage, put it in the back of a red VW 

Microbus, took shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed 

On toward the city dump. 

Well we got there and there was a big sign and a chain across across the 

Dump saying, "Closed on Thanksgiving." And we had never heard of a dump 

Closed on Thanksgiving before, and with tears in our eyes we drove off 

Into the sunset looking for another place to put the garbage. 

We didn't find one. Until we came to a side road, and off the side of the 

Side road there was another fifteen foot cliff and at the bottom of the 

Cliff there was another pile of garbage. And we decided that one big pile 

Is better than two little piles, and rather than bring that one up we 

Decided to throw our's down. 

That's what we did, and drove back to the church, had a thanksgiving 

Dinner that couldn't be beat, went to sleep and didn't get up until the 

Next morning, when we got a phone call from officer Obie. He said, "Kid, 

We found your name on an envelope at the bottom of a half a ton of 

Garbage, and just wanted to know if you had any information about it." And 

I said, "Yes, sir, Officer Obie, I cannot tell a lie, I put that envelope 

Under that garbage." 

After speaking to Obie for about fourty-five minutes on the telephone we 

Finally arrived at the truth of the matter and said that we had to go down 

And pick up the garbage, and also had to go down and speak to him at the 

Police officer's station. So we got in the red VW microbus with the 

Shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on toward the 

Police officer's station. 

Now friends, there was only one or two things that Obie coulda done at 

The police station, and the first was he could have given us a medal for 

Being so brave and honest on the telephone, which wasn't very likely, and 

We didn't expect it, and the other thing was he could have bawled us out 

And told us never to be see driving garbage around the vicinity again, 

Which is what we expected, but when we got to the police officer's station 

There was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon, and we was 

Both immediately arrested. Handcuffed. And I said "Obie, I don't think I 

Can pick up the garbage with these handcuffs on." He said, "Shut up, kid. 

Get in the back of the patrol car." 

And that's what we did, sat in the back of the patrol car and drove to the 

Quote Scene of the Crime unquote. I want tell you about the town of 

Stockbridge, Massachusets, where this happened here, they got three stop 

Signs, two police officers, and one police car, but when we got to the 

Scene of the Crime there was five police officers and three police cars, 

Being the biggest crime of the last fifty years, and everybody wanted to 

Get in the newspaper story about it. And they was using up all kinds of 

Cop equipment that they had hanging around the police officer's station. 

They was taking plaster tire tracks, foot prints, dog smelling prints, and 

They took twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles 

And arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each 

One was to be used as evidence against us. Took pictures of the approach, 

The getaway, the northwest corner the southwest corner and that's not to 

Mention the aerial photography. 

After the ordeal, we went back to the jail. Obie said he was going to put 

Us in the cell. Said, "Kid, I'm going to put you in the cell, I want your 

Wallet and your belt." And I said, "Obie, I can understand you wanting my 

Wallet so I don't have any money to spend in the cell, but what do you 

Want my belt for?" And he said, "Kid, we don't want any hangings." I 

Said, "Obie, did you think I was going to hang myself for littering?" 

Obie said he was making sure, and friends Obie was, cause he took out the 

Toilet seat so I couldn't hit myself over the head and drown, and he took 

Out the toilet paper so I couldn't bend the bars roll out the - roll the 

Toilet paper out the window, slide down the roll and have an escape. Obie 

Was making sure, and it was about four or five hours later that Alice 

(remember Alice? It's a song about Alice), Alice came by and with a few 

Nasty words to Obie on the side, bailed us out of jail, and we went back 

To the church, had a another thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat, 

And didn't get up until the next morning, when we all had to go to court. 

We walked in, sat down, Obie came in with the twenty seven eight-by-ten 

Colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back 

Of each one, sat down. Man came in said, "All rise." We all stood up, 

And Obie stood up with the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy 

Pictures, and the judge walked in sat down with a seeing eye dog, and he 

Sat down, we sat down. Obie looked at the seeing eye dog, and then at the 

Twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows 

And a paragraph on the back of each one, and looked at the seeing eye dog. 

And then at twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles 

And arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one and began to cry, 

'cause Obie came to the realization that it was a typical case of American 

Blind justice, and there wasn't nothing he could do about it, and the 

Judge wasn't going to look at the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy 

Pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each 

One explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us. And 

We was fined $50 and had to pick up the garbage in the snow, but thats not 

What I came to tell you about. 

Came to talk about the draft. 

They got a building down New York City, it's called Whitehall Street, 

Where you walk in, you get injected, inspected, detected, infected, 

Neglected and selected. I went down to get my physical examination one 

Day, and I walked in, I sat down, got good and drunk the night before, so 

I looked and felt my best when I went in that morning. `Cause I wanted to 

Look like the all-American kid from New York City, man I wanted, I wanted 

To feel like the all-, I wanted to be the all American kid from New York, 

And I walked in, sat down, I was hung down, brung down, hung up, and all 

Kinds o' mean nasty ugly things. And I waked in and sat down and they gave 

Me a piece of paper, said, "Kid, see the phsychiatrist, room 604." 

And I went up there, I said, "Shrink, I want to kill. I mean, I wanna, I 

Wanna kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and 

Guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill, 

KILL, KILL." And I started jumpin up and down yelling, "KILL, KILL," and 

He started jumpin up and down with me and we was both jumping up and down 

Yelling, "KILL, KI